


But I'm Holding You Close

by araliya



Category: Glee RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-09
Updated: 2018-06-09
Packaged: 2019-05-20 07:52:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14890538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/araliya/pseuds/araliya
Summary: Of course things get hard sometimes. They always do.





	But I'm Holding You Close

**Author's Note:**

> Title and lyrics from Ron Pope's A Drop In The Ocean

_(i was praying that you and me might end up together)_ **  
**

 

Chris supposes he isn’t very surprised when they tell him no. It’s barely been a year since they’d tried to gently shut the closet door on him (only to have it forced open again on live television), so why should they have changed their minds by now?

 

He wants to say screw it, wants to throw the papers in their face and leave, but he can’t. How can he, when Darren’s life is the price for walking away?

 

Chris doesn’t explicitly sign on the dotted line. It’s his desperate attempt at keeping control of at least  _something_  in his life, but it hardly means anything anymore. He signed his  _real_  death sentence when he was eighteen, puppy fat still clinging to the apples of his cheeks, starry-eyed under the bright showbiz lights.

 

He exits the building, gasping for air like he’d been suffocating, and calls the only person he knows who will understand.

 

***

 

_(it's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert)_

 

Do you know how, when you get to the webpage with the terms and conditions, you ignore all the waffle and scroll right to the bottom to find the box to tick? Well, that’s what Darren does. He doesn’t think much of it- after all it’s barely supposed to last a couple of months- but then they’re calling him in to extend it, to set it in stone. To change his life forever.

 

So Darren eats it up like candy, hardly believing his luck. When they explain to him everything that’s on the agreement in careful detail, he’s thinking about how his mom is going to react when he calls her later. When he’s warned repeatedly of the consequences of violation, Darren vaguely wonders why it even matters.

 

And then he falls in love.

 

***

 

_(but I'm holding you closer than most 'cause you are my heaven)_

 

The hiding takes its toll- of course it does.

 

There is one awful night where Chris can do nothing but listen to Darren on the end of the line as he cries; deep, wracking, helpless sobs that he knows Darren hates that he makes. Where he can do nothing but clutch the phone closer, clench his fingers around the flimsy metal like applying more pressure will help him touch Darren from an ocean away.

 

He flies home as soon as he can, and the two of them spend the next few days in a sort of daze. They’ve both confirmed their lies- their metaphorical graves, and now they have to lie in them. Darren apologises over and over and over, and Chris adds a story about a flower, trapped and unhappy, to his book.

 

But time heals, the lies roll off their tongues a little easier, and Chris and Darren keep on carrying on.

 

***

 

_(and still I can’t let you be  
most nights I hardly sleep)_

 

It’s late, well past midnight, and Darren’s finally back home. Chris is usually up at this time anyway, which Darren is grateful for. He can’t imagine what it would be like if their schedules clashed- if they became like one of those couples who only saw each other as one walked in through the front door and the other walked out.

 

Darren toes off his shoes and sees Chris on the phone, at the window seat. He smiles, about to go over and kiss him hello, when his heart stops.

 

“... and I look at us now and wonder what it is that’s even holding us together anymore.”

 

A cold wave of horror courses through his body.

 

“Of course- of  _course_  I love him Di, he’s my  _life_ ,” Chris says, and there’s a heart wrenching sob, something that twists at Darren’s insides like poison. “He’s my  _entire fucking life_  and you- you  _know_  how it feels, you’ve got to feel that way about Winston too.”

 

 _Dianna_.

 

Darren hasn’t spoken to her since his birthday, which is admittedly longer than he would have liked- it’s just that he’s been so busy lately.

 

Then he thinks about Chris- and how he’s done what he promised himself he’d never do: make his own husband feel as if he’s too busy for him- and his stomach churns.

 

Chris is still curled by the window seat, eyes clouding over with frustrated tears. “I  _love_  him,” he whispers again, and it sounds like an admission of defeat.

 

Darren wants to die.

 

There’s the sudden patter of paws on hardwood; the dogs are around Darren’s ankles, eager to say hello, and Chris looks up at all the noise.

 

Darren’s heart aches when Chris tries to wipe his tears away guiltily, as if he wants to hide them from him.

 

“I- I’ll talk to you later, Di, okay?” Chris murmurs into the phone. “Yeah- yeah. I love you too.” He pauses, and looks up at Darren. “I- I’ll tell him when he gets home.”

 

He sets the phone down in his lap, but makes no move to get up. Darren walks over, climbing atop the cushions opposite him. The window is open, and cool air drifts in, tickling at Chris’ hair.

 

“ _Chris,_ ” he breathes. Darren holds his arms out, holds them out like he might just crumble if Chris doesn’t do something  _now_ , and watches him hesitate. Chris doesn’t like touch when he’s angry or scared or annoyed, and Darren always lets him know that he’s there to hold him if he wants.

 

Chris folds into his arms like tissue paper.

 

“Dianna says she loves you,” he says quietly, and Darren looks down at him.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks instead. “That you felt that way?”

 

“Well you’re not fucking here for me to tell you anything, are you?” Chris retorts, and the words still feel like bruises even when his arms are wrapped around him. 

  
“I’m try-”

 

“I know you’re trying, Dare.” He turns his cheek to the side, and Darren can feel the warmth of it spreading across his chest. “That’s the worst part.”

 

Darren tightens his hold, lets Chris settle into his arms a little more comfortably. “I won’t let this tear us apart. We- we’ve made it so goddamn far and I don’t want there to be a finish line. You’re my everything, Chris.”

 

“We can’t keep running forever, sweetheart. I will always, always be there beside you, but you’re just so  _tired_.”

 

“I’ll make it,” he says, and Darren isn’t sure it’s Chris he’s trying to convince.

 

“Promise me I won’t lose you?” Chris asks, and he looks at Darren properly for the first time, eyes stormy and gray.

 

Darren presses his forehead against Chris’, reaches for his left hand to thumb at the band on his finger. “Never.”

 

_(heaven doesn't seem far away anymore)_


End file.
